I was a child when I took Tariq’s life, in age, mentality & emotional maturity. Overwhelmed by all of the events leading up to my encounter with Tariq I felt numb immediately after taking his life. I wasn’t equipped to process about myself, my life or the life that I had just taken so the numbness felt more like a survival instinct then slow drift into oblivion. I was aware. I knew what was taking place but the numbness keep me from having to face the gravity of my actions. Only peers, all juveniles & members of the gang. allowed me the pressures to do any self assessment, as well as, providing the distraction I needed to maintain that numbness.
The regret didn’t come until after I was arrested. Not because of my loss of freedom, which I’m sure everybody who ends up in jail feels but jail (juvenile hall at that time) isolated me from my peers & those distractions that helped to feed my numbness. Inside the walls of the juvenile center that numbness began to slowly fade; the space (at times in a single man cell) & solitude of incarceration, although restrictive, allowed me the room, emotionally to examine myself in some small why & what I had done. I had taken a life & in the process I had hurt a lot of people, people that I loved & cared about & people that never deserved that pain.